Retribution X: Dear Susan
by Anything but ordinary3
Summary: Members of Retribution X and the X-Men have written to a bitter Agony Aunt and changes the X mansion into a funnier (if scarier place!) *Finished*
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: **I only own Ash, Ev, Kat, and Mel…oh and a small white and brown dog but I don't think that really applies here!!

**Thank you to all the people who review (few though you are) particularly NCSGirl and Foodoo the last two people to review me! Hope you like this fic as much as the others!!**

The 'Dear Susan' letters where written by Oracles maiden so a thank you goes to her!!

_If you read this fanfiction please review because…well….it makes me happy and makes me want to write more!_

**Retribution X: Dear Susan…**

I hated shopping! So why was I at the mall doing just that I hear you ask, quite simple I was badgered into it by my team mates and Bobby. Kat recently returned to our side after a brief moment of stupidity and becoming a traitor by becoming Wolverines informant, causing us to enact our revenge (it seems she now thought that we _were_ the scary ones not Wolverine!!) by staging a showdown between her and Pyro, let's just say her pride (and her sanity) had not yet recovered. So now we were controlling her by having attached a tracking device and an electric dog collar on her, the latter especially was proving more than helpful on this trip out.

"I thought you said this would be a treat!" I moaned

"It is, isn't it" Jubes smiled "you're graced with our presence!" 

I took my sheer frustration and boredom out on Kat by zapping her with the electric dog collar causing her to run behind me and cower at my feet.

"God Ashley is this what shopping does to you?" Mel asked almost angrily

I ignored her and watched as Kat ran off towards the whirlpool centre piece of the mall on the edge of which people where sitting eating their McDonalds.

"So where to next?" Evelyn asked peering at the map with the list of shops on

"I wanna go home!" I protested

"I thought you wanted to get a new football?"

"Correction: I wanna new football then I wanna go home" I said awkwardly

"Well I want to go to the shop that sell's…." Mel was cut off by a scream

On instinct I pushed the button to zap Kat however this was one situation that was not helped or solved by electricity. 

"Help Me!" I heard her cry as I ran to the edge of the whirlpool to see her being sucked into the middle of the display. However her body was convulsing slightly due to the electrical charge I had sent to zap her being conducted through the water. Oooppsie!! 

"Oh God she can't swim…" I muttered "…well."

Where was Bobby Drake, I was going to kill him I didn't know why yet but I'd think of a reason like him being supposed to look after Kat or something.

"Do something then!" Jubilee exclaimed clutching my arm 

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked "We can't help her now we may as well let her die as an embarrassment as she lived her life, as opposed to in honour on the battlefield which she was rubbish at."

 "I'm going to miss the little fella!" Jubes sniffed wiping a tear from her eye.

"I no but it's for the best!" I nodded sagely

"How is it for the best? Such an innocent life! How can it be for the best?"

"I don't know it just is okay!" 

"Why?"

"Because I bloody say it is okay?"

"Sniff Okay! Who wants a coffee?"

Oh yeah I can remember why it was for the best now "She's a traitor!" They looked at me puzzled before remembering Kat.

Bobby Drake it seems was not one to give up on Kat as easily as us however, launching into full iced armour mode he froze the water to stop it drowning Kat. His plan was as inspired as it first seems however as he had frozen Kat into the water, meaning she couldn't move. This shopping trip was suddenly becoming more inviting.

"Great I'm not going to be eaten by Sharks!" She squealed before trying to move "Oh no I'm stuck now I'm going to starve!"

Kat was drawing quite a crowd it was suddenly in my better interest to keep her around, she could make us quite a little profit at a freak farm

"Kat you could melt the ice!" I suggested

"Oh yeah" was her bright reply.

Kat had soon melted the ice only to find herself getting sucked into the whirlpool again. I put my hand in the water.

"Kat stand up!" I yelled at her as she obeyed the water not even coming up to her knees "Christ all that noise and you could just walk out, right that's it I'm going home!"

"What about us?!" 

"Walk" I had driven them as I was the only one who could drive and me leaving would leave them transport less.

"Can we come with you?" Bobby asked apparently over the whole nearly freezing Kat thing already.

**In my car on the road.******

"What the hell is that?"

"Is that the X Van?"

"Mmm...I'm an aeroplane!"

"Is that Juggernaut?"

"Stop the car?"

These were just some of the questions being asked all at the same time. I stopped the car suddenly jumping out.

"The cavalry's arrived!" I informed the various X-men either charging at or being charged at by Juggernaut. Today's X-team seemed to be comprised of Wolverine, Morph, Cyclops, Psylock, Rogue and Gambit 

"We can handle this kid!" Wolverine shouted at me while being thrown through the air

"Sure looks like it!" I said as I was joined by the other members of Retribution X and Bobby.

"Awww…come on Wolvie we never get top see the real action we only get dumped of Sabretooth or FOH duty!" Jubilee whined

"Well I for one ain't asking permission" I said charging myself up with a ZZZZzzzzz

"Oh my hairs stood on end!" Kat announced.

"Hey Bucket head you got any brains in there for me to fry" I said throwing a ball of electricity at Juggernauts metal helmet

"Apparently not!" Mel said enveloping Morph and Cyclops in her protective shield in order to protect them from Juggernauts attack.

"I know lets melt his shoes!" Kat giggled throwing balls of flame at Juggernauts boots making them slowly melt as Jubes paffed Juggernaut temporarily blinding him.

"Tsunami, Tantalus gotta minute!" I asked "Kneel down" I indicated to Mel and climbed on her shoulders.

"Oww your heavy!" 

"Aww quit your whining" I remonstrated I looked at Tsuni (we called her that short for Tsunami) she got was I was saying immediately and squirted the highest force of water up in their air. I jumped off of Tantalus shoulder and onto the water, the force of which shot me up high allowing me to descend onto Juggernauts body.  I clung on for dear life as he tried to shake me off. I knew I had to get his helmet off (we'd learnt that in a lesson a few months ago) I quickly began to undo the clips holding it on with my lithe, dexterous fingers. Just as I undid the first one he whizzed around causing me to go flying through the air his helmet in my hand, before flying with a thud and a jolt of pain into a building. 

**In the X Van**

"I coulda driven" I protested even though it was blatantly obvious I couldn't due to the horrible swaying of the objects around me and the sick feeling in my stomach.

"No way kid!" Wolverine said from behind the wheel of the van. 

"I don't trust Scott to get it back safely!" I glowered at him 

"What your car's a heap!" Morph said surprised that anyone could imagine it in a worse state that it already was

"It may be a heap but it's my heap brought with my own hard earned cash!" I turned my glower at Morph (code named Scooby Doo for his laugh by Retribution X) "Besides you try driving Kat about and keeping you car all nice"

"She's gotta point chere" Gambit interjected

"When you get back your going straight to see Hank" Wolverine lectured 

"I'm fine stop acting like an old woman!" I snapped at him resulting in sniggers from the others (excepting Psylocke) and a Scooby Doo laugh from Morph.

I touched the bump and the blood that was matting my hair at the back of my head from where I'd hit the building. It stung and it felt like Kat had been singing extremely loudly for over 3 days the way my head hurt.

"I just need some sleep" I said more to myself than anyone else

"You sure sugah, coz you hear loadsa stories bout people with concussion not waking up" Rogue said looking at me worriedly

"Jeez when did God die and make you all my collective mother" 

**Back at Retribution X's Wing**

"What the hell did ya all think you were doin'?" Logan shouted

"Helping you out!" I groaned massaging my forehead-jeez can't the guy shout any quieter

"You are not ready ta be goin' out on proper missions, people get killed ya know! It ain't all superman stuff!" 

"If we hadn't been there who knows what would have happened to you guys, I think we proved ourselves today we finished Juggernaut in what 5 minutes, we want no _need more responsibility before we look elsewhere for it….or at least before we have no choice and get thrown into a battle that's bigger then we've experienced before then mess up big time down to lack of experience" I shouted at him throat burning "We can only stay in the danger room for so long, we need freedom!"_

"Ya finished kid?" Wolverine asked almost coldly

"Yes" I glared at him

At that moment Mel wandered into the kitchen interrupting our staring match "Has anyone seen today's newspaper?" 

"No you know you're the 3rd person to ask me that today!" Kat, Wolverine and Jubes had all asked me the same thing before we went shopping today "What is everyone's fixation with it? Has it got an X-men special in it or something?" I winced at the pain in my head.

"You okay kid?"

"Yes will everyone stop bloody asking me if I'm okay!" I said getting up from the table and wobbling when the room span "…Or I will be once I've washed this horrible blood out of my hair" 


	2. That Day!

**Everything as seen in Chapter 1**

**Ash's bedroom**

I walked into my room and looked around; Kats nest was still there and looked as if she was adding to it. I walked over and peered into its depths where the much coveted newspaper lay discarded I picked it up and made my way to the bed. 'Stuff having a bath it would only antagonise my head wound more anyway', I thought changing into my nightshirt before crawling into my bed.

I opened the paper flicked through, same ol' same ol' I thought so why did everyone want to read it so much?

I got to the dear Susan agony aunt section and read with interest.

Dear Susan,

            I need your help desperately, you see for a long time I've had a crush on one of my teachers. It got to the stage where I couldn't talk to him without stuttering and couldn't look at him without blushing. This has gone on for the whole time I've been studying where I have, and I think he felt the same.

Then just before Valentines Day he asked me out, I accepted. I thought it would be the greatest night of my life… but it turned into a disaster. He made a fool of himself at the restaurant, made a fool of me in front of my mate who were there with their dates, and generally acted like a b*****d. 

But after I tipped my dinner over him, he reverted back to his old, sweet self and has been ever since. 

I was angry so refused to speak to him so he began stalking me. My friends being the good-natured (and Crazy) people they are made his life a living hell, and for a time all was well. 

But then I got into some trouble; my friends were drunk and attacked various members of the faculty while my other friend was sober and stuck up a tree burning bushes. Anyway, I needed help and he came to mind. He helped me without a though for himself… and I admit I was starting to warm to him again.

Now however he's paying no attention to me at all! I think he keeps sneaking me looks at dinner but that's it! He avoids me in the corridors and at briefings… I mean… um… tutorials, yeah tutorials… he doesn't speak to me, and instead he gives the notes to another teacher to give to me. 

Susan what's going on? My life is a mess, I just want it back to the way it was… where all I had to worry about was when people left balls of fire burning in my bed or deranged teachers broke windows and didn't mend them before I got hypothermia. Now I have to deal with my feelings towards this guy and being a mutant… did I say mutant I meant to put normal collage girl!!!… And…

OH HELL YOU NEED ALL THE FACTS TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I'M A MUTANT WHO CAN USE PEOPLES DESIRES AGAINST THEM! I GO TO A MUTANT SCHOOL AND FIGHT OTHER MUTANTS IN MY SPARE TIME… I'M IN LOVE WITH A BLUE DEMON WITH FANGS AND A TAIL… HE DRESSES AS A PIMP WHEN HE GOES ON DATES… A TEACHER WITH BESERKER RAGES BEATS ME UP DAILY; I HAVE BRUSES ALL UP MY ARMS AND LEGS… I NEVER GET TO MEET ANY OTHER MEN BUT MUTANTS AT THE SCHOOL! I NEVER GO OUT UNLESS I INTEND TO GET DRUNK… I WANT A LITTLE CULTURE AND ROMANCE… IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!!! 

            So what should I do?

Yours truly

      Eternal temptation.        

            Susan says…

                        GET OVER IT YOU FREAK!!!

Mmmm…that sure sounded familiar, I sure knew someone who would be able to relate to that. I read the next letter eagerly.

Dear Susan,

            Hi how are you? You see I have a little problem… it involves all my teachers and my class mates and everyone on this planet… even those objects that don't express an opinion not because they don't have one but from the fact that can't talk. 

            All of the above hate me. 

            From the man with the sharp claws that chases me every couple of nights to the potato on the sideboard that keeps giving me funny looks, you know the looks that say "I could take over the world at any second but first I want to kill you"?

            Back to the point. They all hate me… what should I do. 

                                                Yours truly 

                                               Hated Flame.

            Susan says…

                        If you think all these people hate you then they probably do. Find somewhere where they hardly go and stay there. Hopefully they'll die before you do. 

I laughed at that one. But it sure was fishy I had never read an agony column with out the words threesome, incest or erection being involved somewhere. What was this newspaper coming to I thought before proceeding.

Dear Susan, 

            I don't usually write to magazines like yours, the last one I did had pictures in… but not your kind of pictures.

            One of the Kids wrote into you and it seemed to have a great effect… she hasn't bothered anyone since you printed it and your advice. No ones seen her since though… but I ain't complaining. 

            See I have this problem with rage… had it for a long time, longer than I can remember. Anyway, I realise that I'd better get it under control before I hurt someone without meaning to…

            Any advice?

                                                            Yours truly

                                                          Angry Animal

            Susan Says…

                        Take time out for yourself. Go on an extended brake, maybe a yoga retreat… and find peace in your mind, your more feminine side will flourish.

I laughed this could have been written by Wolverine for all it accuracy. I wondered what the next one read like and devoured it as fast as I could (which was fast it was only short)

Dear Susan,

            I think I'm gay…

                                                Yours truly

                                    Depth perception problems

            Susan says…

                        If you think you are then you must be half sure… Come out and be proud. 

'Oh, I'll show Evelyn that one, Scott has to have written it 'I laughed.

Dear Susan,

            Hi there. We're two teens who've been buds since forever. But we never seem to fight… and it's getting a bit worrying. 

            We have the same tastes and are even starting to behave like each other. We are inseparable. It's like we are becoming the same person. 

            Please help.

                                                            Yours truly

                                                Little Firecracker and her bud. 

            Susan Says…

                        If you're one and the same why the different names, lol! But seriously if you can't find your differences take some time out from each other that should help you find them. Don't see each other or talk to each other and then you'll be truly independent people. 

I was beginning to see a pattern but I couldn't quite put my finger on it yet (hey I had been hit on the head….HARD!!)

Dear Susan,

            I seem to get drunk every weekend, holiday and most weekdays too. I'm not an alcoholic… its just I like my drink. I'm setting a bad example for the people I teach. 

            What should I do?

                                                            Yours truly

                                                I'm-not-an-alcoholic-honestly.

            Susan says…

                        I believe you. Stop setting this bad example to your students… don't teach them under the influence. Maybe a short period of abstaining for the demon drink is in order?

'Hey maybe I should pass that advice on to Remy!" I thought quite cruelly considering he's our walking (not to mention glow in the dark) alcohol supply.

Dear Susan, 

            I like a girl who can control fire… but I'm an ice man myself. Can we ever be together or are we from two different worlds?

                                                Yours truly

                                                  I like ice

            Susan says…

                        Nurture your inner flame, take an interest in fire related activities… but never compromise yourself. 

Okay now I was beginning to get annoyed where were the threesomes??

Dear Susan, 

            We are two fun loving guys with a huge problem. We have way too much hair. This really makes things difficult when it comes to finding members of the opposite sex willing to date us. One of us thought he'd found true love… but blew it on the first date. Personally neither of us sees what he has done wrong… we believe it must be the fur issue. 

            Where will we find people who accept us as we are?

                                                Yours truly.

                                            Two Blue dudes  

Susan says…

            Go somewhere where no one can see you. Dark, cramped places are great for picking up girl. You may just find a girl who can look past the length of your fur. 

Awww…bless their blue furry socks! I thought everyone likes hairy men, just look at Logan, he gets loadsa women. 

Dear Susan,

            I'm alone all the time… I never touch or feel anything or anyone. I can't control it. 

                                                            Yours truly

                                                          Always alone

            Susan says…

                        Maybe you can't control it because you don't know yourself well enough. If you are really that isolated then isolate yourself some more, then you'll see who you are and how you connect. 

That one was sad and made me sit bolt upright, after all there was a time when I could relate to that. I felt pity for that person, hell I felt pity for me because I still had barriers trust problems I still hated physical contact even if it was just slapping someone (namely Kat) around the face.

Dear Susan,

            My husband hardly touches me anymore. I've tried losing weight in vast amounts recently but it I don't think I need too. Yet still he won't touch me…!

            I'm thinking about sleeping with the crazy guy that lives a couple of halls away that's how desperate I am. 

            Please before I do something stupid.

                                                       Yours Truly

                                                  Insane and perfect

            Susan says…

                        Maybe you're trying too much. Maybe he doesn't like his women stick thin… try the other option. Gain weight; see how he reacts… keep gaining weight till he sees you for what you are!

I threw the paper down disgusted; I read this to get away from the real world to become enveloped in a world of incest, threesomes and genital warts in its stead I got cold hard reality.

I felt really drowsy and didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, and so fell heavily asleep.


	3. What a mess!

**Reminder: Your Country needs you to read and review!!**

_See Chapter 1 for disclaimer and thanks!_

**The next morning**

I woke up the next morning with a banging headache and concluded that it was probably better if I skipped the early morning danger room session. I went to the toilet and tied up my hair loosely before proceeding down the stairs wearing my nightshirt and dressing gown.

I walked into the kitchen to survey the typical scene on a typical morning with Retribution X, everyone eating their breakfast sullenly with Kat sat in the sink. Okay maybe it wasn't as normal as I first thought Kat in the sink okay that was new but not unduly worrying however there was something about the situation that terrified me…Wolverine in a Bermuda shirt and shorts!! 

"Ummm…this maybe a silly question but what the hell is going on?" I asked eyeing everyone suspiciously, maybe I had forgotten something….APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!  Oh wait that was month's ago.

"I'm going away to a yoga resort in Hawaii to embrace my feminine side" Came Wolverines reply strangely without his trademark glower when he said something we weren't meant to laugh at. So I did just that…laughed…laughed…laughed some more and then pointed and laughed. I looked around the room mystified as to why no one else shared my mirth at the situation.

"Okay is he serious?" I asked Evelyn who was slightly chirpier then the rest of us in the morning

Evelyn nodded yes before scowling over at Jubilee, okay what was with them two they had become really tight while I had been away in fact it was almost as if they had become joined at the hip.

"So that means we ain't got Danger room session today right?" I asked

"No you've got one with Scott while I'm away" Wolverine said without a sneer in his voice which was well…_unusual _to say the least while on the subject of Scott.

"Hey I was the one who hit my head not you!!" I tried joking everyone looked at me disdainfully.

At that moment the phone rang

"Hello"

"Hey can I speak to Melody please?"

"Can I ask who is calling please?"

"It's John"

"John as in Pyro?"

"Yep"

"Ummm…Mel Pyro's on the phone!" I said holding the phone out to her bracing myself for Kat to come hurtling at the phone at the mention of Pyro's name however she remained slumped in the sink.

I decided that today may be interesting and decided to go to the danger room.

"Sure I'd love to go out on a date with you John!" Came Mel's sing song voice. At last she was over Kurt.

"Guy's I'm going to skip today's danger room session and go do something independently" Jubes said standing up glaring at Ev.

Mmmm…this was going to be an interesting day!!

**Outside the Danger room**

I couldn't remember getting changed or walking to the danger room but seeing as I was there I assumed I had done it….this bloody head injury was becoming more serious than  I thought, oh well ignore it and it will go away.

We waited outside the door for Scott to arrive, and for once we were early.

"Um gals are my eyes deceiving me or is Scott really wearing pink?" I asked rubbing my sore confused head.

Everyone looked at him

"Okay then guy's are you ready to like rock n roll?" Scott asked in a very camp way.

We looked shiftily at one another, I suddenly realised that Kat (as well as Jubes) was missing.

"Where's Kat?" I asked

"Still in the sink!" came Evelyn's reply

"Oh okay!" at least someone around here was acting normal I nudged Mel as Scott minced past us "Anyone would think he's turned gay!"

**The X-men side of the Mansion**

I walked down the hallways of the X-men's quarters, I couldn't remember how or even why I was there but I was sure if I wandered around for long enough I would remember. I walked past Professor X's study and heard hushed voices; I peered through the door which was slightly ajar.

"Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!" Was the only thing I said as I ran back to safety

**Retribution X's wing**

"…and they were snogging in his study?!" Jubes asked incredulously

"Yes! I tell you I think I'm going to have to bleach my eyes to get rid of the image!!" I replied trying to keep my biscuit down

"Who would have thought that of Scott? I always thought he was happily married to Jean" Jubes said with a smile

"Remember you didn't see him in the danger room today!!" Mel pointed out

At that point the phone rang 

"I'll get it!" Mel said snatching the phone off of its cradle

"And Professor X he's a bit of a dark horse himself!" Jubes said full of admiration of the pair ease with their sexuality "I think that's why he always helps out Magneto maybe he was a past lover too!"

I looked around for Wolverine's support in the whole gross out aspect of seeing Professor X and Scott snogging (with tongues!) before remembering he'd gone on holiday.

 "Yeah sure Pietro I'll go on a date with you!" I heard Mel say in the background; well it was nice to know the gal was keeping her options open.

"Two dates is that now Mel?" I asked with a smirk

"No four actually!" Okay now I was worried, but maybe I'd heard wrong it was definitely time to visit Hank.

**In the Med Lab**

"Where's Hank?" I asked Jean who was stuffing as many of Hank's secret (Well if you call secret everybody knowing where they were hidden) stash of Twinkies

"In the navy!" She said before stuffing more down her throat.

"Jean I really ain't in the mood for your dumb red-head jokes, speak to Kat who as a fellow ginge may find it amusing!" I said irritated

"I'm not joking!" oh yeah I forgot she didn't have a sense of humour…or a personality for that matter.

"Is he undercover or something!" I asked, okay so Hank wasn't the obvious choice for an undercover mission but hey I wouldn't be surprised by anything the way today was going

"No him and Kurt joined as a way to meet women" Okay I stand corrected.

Today was turning into a sick twisted dream. I stopped and stared at Jean as she shoved more food down her throat and realised that this was Jean Grey-Summers…eating…A LOT. Hmmm…suspicious.

"So you know about Scott then!" I asked

"No what about Scott…that he doesn't find me attractive anymore." 

Okay it was time for me to leave before I put my foot in it.

**In Remy's Classroom**

Okay so I had no idea how I had got there or even why I was there but I sat behind the desk waiting Remy to come and conduct his class. However Remy or the real Remy (our day glow alcohol loving friend) didn't arrive in his place however was an alcohol bashing, lecture giving self declared celibate…even more worrying he no longer referred to himself in the 3rd person. Mmmnnn…today was just getting stranger and stranger.

**In the Retribution X mobile (okay okay my heap of a car!)**

"Okay gals we ain't got no one to back us up today, Wolvies plane will be leaving in a few hours and Scott's in such a good mood that he wanted to spend time with the Prof that he couldn't be bothered to assemble the X men!" I briefed them as I drove at as high speed as I could "Remember Magneto and his goon's will be a teensy bit harder to beat than ol' Scuzzlebutt and Juggernaut yesterday!" I looked at them through the mirror and sighed "Kat could you duck again?!"

Kat obliged ducking deeper into her sink (she had insisted she wouldn't come out!).

"Ummm….Ash it looks like he's having a party" Jubes observed pointing to where Magneto stood flanked by the Incredible Bulk (sorry Blob), Quicksilver and Toad.

I got out of the car and turned round to give my team last words of encouragement as they dragged Kat's sink out of the boot. But Mel was no where to be seen. Strange they couldn't have gotten her already…could they. I turned around with a sigh, okay it looked like she had got them already. Mel was draped across Magneto's arm as she whispered lovingly into Toads ear. I shook my head in disgust, jeez she was worse then a porn starved Wolverine.

"Okay I'll take Bucket head, Mel your on Blob, Jube's and Ev take Toad down and Kat you get Quicksilver!" I said charging myself up with a ZZzzzz

I began advancing towards Magneto in my best fighting stance "You and me buddy!" I said trying my best to growl a la Wolverine.

**Meanwhile…..**

Mel leant provocatively towards Blob "How about you and me hit the movies big boy? I like a man with something to hold onto!"

Kat sat quivering in her sink as Quicksilver sidled up to Mel as well slipping her a piece of paper "Oh naughty, naughty!" She cooed

"Why the hell should I?" Jubes screamed at Ev

"Because I am an individual in my own right I am not you!" Ev screamed back at her

"You sayin' I'm not?" Jubes cried indignant

"Well if the tacky yellow Mac fits!"

"I have half a mind to slap you!"

"You have half a mind full stop!"

"Why you little…" Jubes growled as she lunged at Ev whacking her upside her head.

I was finding this display by my well oiled team slightly disturbing to say the least I looked at Magneto, who had just magnetically dropped my car from a great height.

"You'll pay for that!" I warned only slightly distracted by my team.

"I seriously doubt it!" Damn this guy was so full of it (even more so than Scott).

I glanced at Ev and Jubes who were pulling each others hair.

"Hey look Buddy d'ya mind if we finish this another time?" I asked Magneto who just smirked.

I stalked over to Jubes and Ev zapping them with a low voltage charge "Okay break it up!" I said indicating for them to follow before grabbing Mel's arm and dragging her after me 

"Call me!" Mel yelled at the top of her lungs at Magneto and his cronies.

I frog marched her towards the academy "I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life" I muttered

I waited so Kat could scuttle up to join us in her sink in a crab like manner. 

God and they hadn't even been drinking I thought with a sigh.


	4. What a marvel!

**Okay this is the last chapter for this one so Reviews would be much appreciated and if you need to read a disclaimer or the thank you's please see chapter 1!! That is all!**

**Back in the R.X Wing**

"You're staying in here until I figure out what the hell is going on!" I shouted at them through the door 

I had locked Jubes, Mel and Ev in the cupboard while Kat was chained to the outside of the door as her sink wouldn't fit in the laundry cupboard. Something was definitely going on here and they hadn't eaten any of the Jade room's sushi either, it was strange, very strange.

**An hour later.******

I had finally hit on it; I was in another dimension…a strange twisted dimension now I just had to find my way out of it. 

'Think the Wizard of Oz!' I instructed myself.

Okay so some sort of red shoes where needed if my memory was as fruitful as I liked to think.

** 1 ½ hours later.**

Okay I had tried every pair of red shoes in the mansion and clicked my heel's 3 times and nothing happened and so I moved onto every pair of shoes in the mansion (including Scott's new stiletto's it seems he was now cross dressing and calling himself Shirley!) still my quest proved fruitless. I made my way back to the bedroom and picked up the discarded newspaper as a brainwave hit me, nearly knocking me off of my bed.

_Dear Susan's advice was the cause of this insanity everyone who was effected today seemed to be linked to that column Scott was the gay guy, Mel was the freak obsessing about her teacher (need I continue?!)…there was only one thing to do…track her down and fry her!! _Okay, okay not the best plan so I decided to ring her instead.

"Hello" said a bitter voice on the other end of the phone

"What the hell have you done to my friends!" I demanded

"I don't know what you're on about and quite frankly I don't give a flying fuck!"

Ohh, okay not exactly the best advertisement for an agony aunt!

"The advice you gave to my friends has changed them and destroyed their essence!" I said proud of my in depth analogy  

"Hey I'm only inflicting on them what the world inflicts on me!" the voice on the other end said sourly

"You're sick you know that!" I said in my best Disney princess voice (hey I thought the situation warranted it)

"Why thank you!"

I slammed down the phone. Okay so the only way to get out of this world was reverse the effects of her advice. Right I'd better start easy. Hank and Kurt were the first two I would save it would be easy enough to entice them upon land again no doubt (especially as Hank got sea sick).

**2 minutes later**

"Dr McCoy it's Ashley Donovan from Retribution X, I've got an urgent message to tell you"

"I'm listening" Hanks curiosity was peaked

"The English National Ballet are on the front lawn awaiting their Romeo…"

"And whom may I enquire is that?"

"You! Ya knucklehead!"

"Oh my stars and garters!" and with that the phone fell silent.

Okay now to get Kurt back again a simple enough tasks, so simple it was quite insulting to one's intelligence really.

"Hey Kurt it's Ashley, you know Mel's mate"

"Yes!" His voice was curious almost yet hesitant, maybe he thought I was going to attack him for the way he treated Mel like the others did.

"You see the thing is Kurt, Mel's sobbing in a crumpled heap in the floor..."

"Why?" 

"Her dog died" I lied

"She doesn't have a dog!" Damn was he telepathetic…sorry telepathic too.

"Well it was her imaginary dog…anyway the thing is she's crying out in pain for you" I hit Mel (who I had handcuffed to the chair near the telephone) in the stomach to prove my point.

"Okay I will be right home!"

Two down in numerous amounts to go!

**In the Boy's changing rooms**

"Surely he told you where he was?" I questioned the boy's from Bobby's class who were clad only in towels

"No"

"Well you'll tell me the easy way or the hard way ZZZzzz make your choice…oh and you may wish to remember the fact that water conducts electricity!" I reminded them glowering at the boy's who had just gotten out of the shower

"Okay, okay he's joined the fire brigade in order to find out what make's fire tick!" the boy known as Berserker told me

"…And Rogue?" how the hell would they know? I asked myself as soon as the question slipped out of my mouth

"She's in Alaska isolating herself in order to find herself or something!" Alright so this was a mixed up dimension!!

**The danger room**

I shoved Jubes and Ev through the door and shut it quickly behind them and turned the simulation of Scuzzlebutt on a high level.

"The only way you're getting outta her alive is to work together!" I said before stalking out of the room and leaving them to it.

I ran to the nearest phone in the knowledge that Wolverine would be boarding his flight anytime now, I rang the mobile phone he had been given by Professor X and got no reply I then decided that our com device thingy's were the only way to go.

"White Lightning to Wolverine…." static  "Wolverine do you read me?"

"Howdy!" Came Wolverines reply, now this was going from weird to just downright freaky.

"Wolverine I hate to break the news to you but Scott has chucked Jean and she is devastated…" nothing annoyed Wolverine then jean being hurt.

"Well give her some advice from me, tell her to just let go of all her negative energy and take up yoga"

Okay so that was not the response I was expecting!! "Oh and Gumbo rammed your Jeep in a drunken stupor before reversing over your Harley!"

"Possessions, possessions only possessions they can be replaced…"

I stood dumbfounded jaw on the floor I had only one back up "Oh and Kat's been cutting up your porn again!"

"She what? You wait till I get hold of her…Snickt"

I heard screams of "he's cutting a hole in the bottom of the plane…we're doomed" float out of my com device. Ahhh, everything was right with the world…almost.

I turned to the telephone once again "Professor Xavier this is….er…a friend, your new lover boy Scott still sleep's with Jean!"

"Ashley is that you!" I slammed the phone down 'Damn telepaths!'

**Sauntering along the hallway**

"…and don't you ever come back" I heard him sob

"But…but I love _you_!!"

"Yes but the trust has gone from this relationship Scott" The Professor said as his door slammed shut in Scott's face.

_RESULT!!!_

"Oh hi Blob, I take it you're here for Mel!" I said seeing the overly large mutant looking uncomfortably around the hallway "Carry on to her bedroom she's expecting you" I said before giving him directions to her bedroom.

**A minute later**

"Hey Pietro go on up Mel's expecting you!" okay now I was only awaiting Pyro (who I knew would be late)

I walked up the stairs 'Ahh the sweet sound of chaos!' I thought as I heard the fighting between Mel's suitors…okay time to sort out Kat.

"Are you going to get out of that sink or am I going to have to hurt you?" I asked Fairy liquid bottle in hand

Kat just glowered at me "Every one hates me!" she moaned

"So does the sink!" I said hitting her around the head with the bottle

"Oh no!! And I was so loyal to you!" Kat sobbed at the sink "well I hate you to and never want to see you again!" She climbed out of the sink tears streaming down her face.

"I know I hurts now but it will get easier!" I comforted her just before she caught sight off something and ran off sink forgotten.

The fire alarms and sprinklers going off indicated that the person Kat had streaked after as fast as her chubby, water marked legs would carry her was in fact Pyro. I ran from the building not willing to risk my life for my ungrateful team mates again [please refer to Retribution X: Remy's tequila and Elvis]. 

**5 minutes later**

The fire engine drew up outside the mansion and Bobby Drake jumped out of it. 

"Isn't this your house Drake?" asked who I can only assume was his commanding officer

"Yes sir!" 

"Well what kind of example are you a member of the fire service setting when you don't even fire proof your own home?" 

"A good one?"

"Drake your fired"

Jean walked past at that second with a marshmallow on a stick informing anyone who was in the near vicinity that she intended to roast them on the fire in our wing as burnt dust added a lot of flavour. Mmm…I liked her better this way, so I decided not to interfere.

"Arrgghhh!! He's trying to kill me!" Kat ran screaming from the blazing building with Wolverine hot on her heels.

"We picked him up on the road; apparently he ran most of the way from the airport!" Hank informed me at my elbow.

We all stood watching the blaze trying to hold off the looters party. I turned to Gambit as he stood shaking beside me and decided he too needed fixing. I handed him a hip flask full of Rum which he drunk down in one big gulp. 

"Gambit tink dat dis ain't enough!" Gambit said looking down at the now empty flask sadly "He will go to da store and buy some more" he said speeding off towards the garage.

I looked around the lawn satisfied everyone was sorted Jubes and Ev were talking, Wolverine was raging, Kat was scared, Gambit was drinking, Mel….where was Mel. _SHIT!! _

"Mel's still in there!!" I yelled

"I'll get her" Kurt said before he bamphed off

I also remembered I'd forgotten Rogue but hey ya can't win 'em all right?

Kurt was soon back with an unconscious Mel

 At that exact moment everyone turned to me and began hissing nasty things at me in Gollem voices (except Kat who sounded like Dobby the House elf)

"Itsss all your fault if only you had given usssss preciousssss…er advice then none of this would of happened!" They jeered

I sat bolt upright in bed sweat pouring down my face. I got up and had a quick shower before running down the stairs. 

"I had the scariest dream last night!" I announced as I marched into the kitchen only to be greeted by the sight of Kat sitting in the sink with a cloth draped over her head.

_"NNNOOOOO!!!!"_


End file.
